My biggest fear during the surgery was that I would wake up and be told nothing was found.

I woke up and got a completely different answer:

They found stage 1 Endometriosis in my left and right part of my abdomen. One of the assistants told me the one on my uterous is the biggest one they have ever seen. I started bawling. Not because I hurt..although I was..but because I now know what has caused this pain for so long. I cried for a good 30 minutes. My dad came and visited me a few times and it made me so happy. I cannot thank him enough for spending all this money to help me get better.

I am very easily irritated right now so I am going to stop and go to bed. Just thought I would update.

My mom wanted pictures for this "memorable" event..so here you go:










Don't know what I was doing in this lol

Thank you all for caring. I will write in a couple of days.

xo mollie

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I knew it would happen..starting to have dreams about my classes and not finishing them. Sounds dumb but it's been really hard soaking it in that I may have to redo the class I worked my butt off in. It's possible to go from a 95 to an F or hopefully an incomplete in a matter of weeks. Who knew?

I heard from my sweet friend, Sandee today. It's always a joy hearing from her because sometimes it can be a while..which is okay because I know she is sick- So it is always so SPECIAL to get messages from her..not..going..to..cry.

Ready for Monday. Ready for Monday. It's been so..uncomfortable these last few days. I am just so glad I have the support I do. The family and friends that I do. I know there are always going to be those people who just don't get it and use hurtful words to justify themselves. Being sick has helped me to really push those types of people out of my life- No matter how much I think I care about them. No one deserves to be hurt in that way, especially when it's because of something out of their control. This is out of my control.

I don't have many updates regarding me because I haven't had to go to any doctors appointments. Monday is the big day. Never thought I would see the day that I would actually be excited to be cut open. Cut me all you want, just make this stop.

mollie

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As expected, the ultrasound came back normal. I am going to try to stay as positive in this post despite my feelings otherwise throughout this whole thing.

However, if they don't find anything during the surgery I may just go a bit insane. It hurts to even sit and type this yet the issue has not been diagnosed. Please God above, PLEASE..let them find something Monday. I just want to get back to my normal life.

That's all I want.

I love you guys. Thanks for listening

md

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Today I had a 7:30 appointment at "Women's Health"-since they think it's problem involving my ovary/reproductive system (that's what they think now)..and I got to experience what it was like to be an "adult". That's all I am saying involving THAT.

I was hoping for an ultrasound today but the earliest is tomorrow. She thinks that I may have Endometriosis ('Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial stroma and glands, which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body.') Basically, if that is outside of the uterus, it's not supposed to be. If they see no cysts on the ultra sound they will perform a laparoscopy in which I will be put under and they will go through my belly button with an instrument to see inside my pelvis. At this point, I PRAY they find something. I don't know what it is at this point that has caused me so much crap in my life in the last 3 weeks.

I know people go through worse things-way worse things. I have felt God's love so much through this and I know as long as He is there, nothing else matters. I know I will be okay eventually...it is just always hard to see that side when you're still right in the middle of it. I am TRYING to remain positive but as the days go by and I feel like nothing is progressing, I just feel kind of helpless. I regain these thoughts but lose them as soon as I get bad news or just no news. I need to keep my mind on Him. I can do all things through Him. I just need to keep remembering that.

md.




There's no need to say a thing when I'm before you.
In this silence I feel refreshed with peace.
Break this noise that binds the voice that tries to speak.
Open my eyes to see Your gracious, sovereign reach.
[CHORUS]
It is hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it's the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You've washed my tears.

The seasons of change I've faced have never left me wounded.
Only scars of hurt, but never deeply rooted.
This healing I have felt, no burden can replace.
Redemptive hope has been the story of my pain.

[CHORUS]
It's hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it's the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You've washed my tears.

All is lost without the breath of life You give, and You give so much.
I want nothing more than You, so here's my heart

[CHORUS]
It's hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it's the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You've washed my tears.


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You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju--st isn't safe
(you're not safe, mmm-mm)

I'm strong enough, I've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill,
So I'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't

Everything you want, but it's everything you need
It's not always happy endings but it's hap-py in between
It's taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't safe

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

You're not safe
And that's okay

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The last couple of days I was doing GREAT. No fatigue, headaches or much pain in my abdomen-thought I was back to normal despite the unpainful tightness in my stomach. However, I was barely active. Work today triggered it...10 times worse. I was determined to suck it up because I needed to get back. But once I sat down, the pain escalated to the point where I just started bawling. I got sent home and here I am with the prediction by my parents (dad is a doctor) that I may have a cyst on my ovary. It's a good guess because issues with this run in the family.

I don't get it. I don't get that after everything, the doctors never saw this as a potential reason for this pain. I am wondering if I had a cyst that it would have shown up on the results?

People tell me to rest this weekend. I can't. I have 2 exams Monday over the crap I missed from already being sick and yesterday was my first day back. There's no way I can catch up on this. My semester is completely out of wack now and I worked hard for the A I would have had in History. I think now I just need to accept the fact my grades won't be what they are expected to be..my dad understands that.

Yeah "more bad news"...but this could be a big break in all of this. Although it doesn't explain the nodes around my intestine that indicated a virus. Are 2 things happening at once that are totally separate from each other? They say bad things come in threes.


md.

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I have been catching up with my photography assignment that I have been behind on since I was sick. I have one more picture to take and it's 1:32 am. Bah. I got this though and I love photography THAT much.

The theme is Take objects and put them where they don't belong.

Click the pictures to see original:




Shoes in an oven.



6 years today. I miss you, Andrea. You are my sunshine and thanks for having an amazing sister.

xo md.

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Before I start, to the person who text me and said I was the bearer of bad news, screw you. Your pointless words could MAYBE have been justified if I was telling you something stupid like "boys are always douche bags" (extra emphasis on "boy") Am I being mean? Sorry, I am not going to let this NOT affect me anymore. I can't help what has been going on with me and what you said last night has allowed me to see you in the light that you really are as a person.

I had my follow-up today. Basically nothing new except that I see the Urologist tomorrow and an Endocrinologist in the near future. They think the infection around my colon and the air in my bladder is due to the past urinary tract infections I have been having (I have had about 6 this year and last) and so I really don't know what to expect. I am afraid they are going to put in a catheter at some point though...(positive thinking..............). The Endocrinologist will see if the lesions found in my thyroid are anything to be worried about. My dad doesn't think so because they are very small and it would be difficult to biopsy anyways. I am not too worried about those.

I am feeling better pain wise but still have a lot of fatigue when I become active. I plan to return to school Friday and work on Saturday. I am ready to get back to normal.

I have decided that I am going to take a step back. If you want updates, tell me..if not, I won't ever say a word. Friends don't really seem to give a damn unless you're dead or near death and suddenly they "were your best friend" I am not asking for sympathy...but I can't seem to ask for prayers either. I can't seem to have certain friends there for me. I am sorry to those I have been bugging and appreciate those who have been here since the beginning. The conversation I had last night with someone really hurt me and I just don't know what to think about certain people anymore. I said this on Twitter and I will say it again on here..but in a more G rated version. When I decide to push people out, I need to keep them out.


-- These things I wish for you - tough times and hard
work, disappointment and happiness. To me, it's the
only way to appreciate life.

md

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So the CT showed nothing abnormal with my gallbladder and appendix but they found air in my bladder and lymph nodes around my intestine which indicates something viral..no one knows how air got into my bladder. I have an ultrasound in the afternoon tomorrow as well as a follow up on Tuesday. What are my thoughts? I don't really know at this point. The pain has subsided some due to the medication I am on but the pressure is still there as well as the nausea at night.

I have a prep test in the afternoon tomorrow in History but I don't know if I can even concentrate enough to absorb the material on the power points that I have been missing. I am so out of it.

Thanks again for all the love. I am ready for this to be over. I have a feeling I won't ever feel "caught up" until the end of the semester.

xo md

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I am looking at my search engine referrers and I can see that there is somebody searching for info on Sandee and whoever it is, I want to tell you she IS still alive and fighting. She has been on oxygen for awhile now and is weak, but her sweet self is still here. Hope this helped someone out there who is worried.

Mollie

PS: Please comment if you are reading this and it was you. I would be happy to keep you updated. We also have a Facebook group that is dedicated to her that periodically has updates as well.

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I get to experience my first CT scan/ultrasound this Saturday morning.

It is day 10 and nothing is better. I have been suddenly waking up in the middle of the night with throbbing headaches, nausea and abdominal pain (other than the pain I already have during te day). This is really upsetting because my school grades are going to go down the sh***er (no other word to give it justice, really) and I can't go to work until I can actually function without crying and being in agony. I pray they find something on the scan so they can remove it and I can start feeling better. It's hard to drive because I have to keep re positing myself to keep pressure off the left side of my stomach.

I had some blood tests and after having issues finding my vein, they got what they needed. I tested negative for mono so that is ruled out.

It's hard not to cry when some things are out of your control.

I've got this, though. One day at a time.

Thanks to everyone who has been texting. I have been getting drowsy like it's no ones business and if I don't text back, I am probably asleep and will when I wake up.

md.

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Wohoww wohoww
Halfway gone
I'm halfway gone

You were always hard to hold
So letting go aint easy
I'm hanging on but growing cold
While my mind is leaving

Talk, talk is cheap
Give me your word you can keep
Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way
And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Halfway gone
I'm halfway gone

You got one foot out the door
And choking on the other
Always think there's something more
It's just around the corner

Talk, talk is cheap
Give me your word you can keep
You can keep
Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way
And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone

If you want me out, then I'm on my way
And I'm feelin, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Now I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone

Don't take too long, don't take too long
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm on my way
If you take too long
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on way
And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone

If you want me out, then I'm on my way
And I'm feelin , feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm halfway gone, yeah I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm halfway gone, yeah I'm halfway gone

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Wrote this during History because my head was pounding and I just could not concentrate. Something is going on with me. It hit me all of a sudden Monday afternoon and I have nausea, headaches and bad abdominal pain. Not the stomach ache kind of pain but more shooting like pain or gnawing pain. I have since lost my appetite and it hurts my stomach to eat something. The pain has been alternating back and fourth between my head and stomach. There has been no fever or puking, though.

I went to Urgent Care Wednesday evening and without any kind of actual testing, they thought I had a stomach ulcer..which was what a few other people thought as well. My dad is a doctor as well and didn't seem convinced that it truly is an ulcer. I talked to him tonight and he thinks it is the flu or some sort (not H1N1..too functional for that). My whole body aches as of today, I am always tired, can't eat without pain and don't even want to eat (although my mom is getting Chinese food so I will MAKE myself hungry because that is delicious) and I am stuck without a TRUE diagnosis until Monday morning.

Now here's to the next couple days of sleeping and Gatorade. *cheers*

Feeling like this is the worst. Worst week ever. Thankful to be alive but it has been hard. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

md.

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I am one of the most emotionally connected people- I would be lying if I said I wasn't 100% emotion. This seems to be both a good and bad thing. It is easy for my mind to wander despite how "busy" I make myself. The past, present and future always surround me. I think it is because so much of the past is a part of who I am now and the future holds on who I hope I can become. Most of my dreams reflect my feelings. I love, I regret, I hope for the impossible (way too much), I cry, I curse, I regret regret regret. I regret how I have treated a certain guy and left him to always be alone, I regret hurt relationships (one is wonderfully on the mend...thankful for that), I regret my emotionality, I regret overreacting to certain friendships.

However, as I get older, seeing that old broken reflection of me helps to put those pieces together now. I so believe that every experience forms you. Whether you believe it or not, every friend in your life has changed you mentally in some way.

Music is not so much my "getaway" despite my love for it 24/7- Music with certain memories attached reveal certain emotions- they make you become raw all over again. At the same time, I don't ever want to forget these memories that are so painful...no matter how sad they make me. It brings me back to a time that allows me to feel.

Music is my 'get back'.

md.

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MOLLIE DUVALL

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[twenty-one yrs young, blogging on and off since 2002, loves photography, God,friends, photoshop, strawberry poptarts, designer, life.]

hi I'm mollie & in my spare time i like to draw hearts. i enjoy the simple things in life and feel i deserve the best just like everyone else. i have not found "the one" yet, but when i do, it will be worth the wait and everything i've learned so far. i have no regrets.

Feeling:

I have faith. Faith in our wondrous capacity for hope and good, love & trust, healing & forgiveness. Faith in the blessing of our infinite ability to wonder, pray, feel & think. I have faith. Faith in the infinite possibilities of the human spirit.- Starbucks Cup

"Don't you Judge Me. Don't you dare. One day I know I'll sit before a just God. Will you be there? Or will your false, your short sighted views hold you back from real truth? All your views leave you hostage, from love, from the real truth. Held Hostage! Don't point your finger like I'm the fake, You let me in this room-that was your first mistake. You've got nothing. It's okay. I was there once so don't point the finger like I'm the fake- you let us in and that was your last mistake. Follow Me. It might be your last "mistake" -Blame it on the Holy Rollers
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