Mollie Duvall- The Daily Life of a College Student

Never Ever.

2010-04-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

I will never ever use CheapTickets.com OVER THE PHONE. Why is it that with places like these, you can never understand them AND they try to argue with you? Why is it that when tickets are 298 online, on the phone they are suddenly 388? Don't tell me rates aren't guaranteed when the price has been consistent over the past couple days. Long story as to why I had to book on the phone (the circumstances wouldn't let me do it online). Contradictory to the name if I say so myself.

I got really frustrated with the lady I was talking to when she kept saying my line was bad. Indeed it wasn't. I could hear YOU just fine. I also closed the online chat on the lady who kept repeating stuff to me when she couldn't answer my question about why my fare was so high. It was almost like I was talking to an automated system. Put a brick in my face and I could have had a more constructive conversation with it than what I did yesterday.

Anyways...

I've been sick over the past 3 days. I had to call into work at 1 am this morning. I hate calling in because 1. bad timing with my lack of $$ and 2. I always feel bad...but luckily I wasn't the only one there so that helped a lot. I have to drag myself to school because it is almost over and stuff is due...and I've skipped more than normal lately. It's the worst to come back to class realizing something was due last Friday and you had no idea and can't turn it in AND being completely lost in lecture because hey...who knew you could cover 3 chapters in 2 class periods. Sounds like a lot of learning going on to me..or maybe it is crunch time for the professor.

I crave Summer

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. -Phyllis Diller

2010-04-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

So, I am still going to MN in June. I will be re booking my flight with a bit of an extra fee but it is not as much as I thought it would be, plus the price has gone down since then so it will be even better. I think being away and happy for a week will be good for me

I have been super sick the past couple days. I might attempt to get some homework done tonight because I haven't been in class the last 2 sessions and I have a feeling chapter homework will be due tomorrow. My gut has been very right lately. I also have a project due Wednesday that I will need to start. Procrastination at its best.

Enrollment is here in a week or so and I NEED to see an adviser. I have not seen one AT ALL since Freshman enrollment and part of my stress from this semester is my lack of direction. I think after seeing one I will be more on a straight path. So ready to graduate but still a bit of a way to go.

My life has a long way to go.

I've realized it's been just 4 months since my Endometriosis surgery. I have been doing well since but still have some flare ups every now and then. I know I will never be normal but I am definitely in normal-working mode.

To be happy, it first takes being comfortable being in your own shoes. The rest can work up from there. The hardest situation to stay happy in, I think, is when you're trying to find love, and yourself at the same time. It just doesn't seem to fit well. So I believe that happiness is being able to wake up and just know that this is what you wanted, and not what somebody else wanted. -Sophia Bush

I'm resting in your loving care.

2010-04-03T12:44:00.001-07:00

and I thank you for believing in me

It's been awhile.

2010-04-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

I really only know of 1 person who reads this. and honestly, I have no motivation whatsoever to write in this but I haven't had motivation to do much of anything lately...and I think using this as a way to express thoughts I would normally have issues saying verbally will help a lot.

As of right now....my moods are up and down. As of the second..I'm crying because of a conversation with a friend on text. I tend to reflect on the past and try to imagine what would be different if I gave certain people a chance. It's amazing how the outcome of something changes your life completely. My life has changed completely.

Over the past few days, I've been asking God to help me move on with all this baggage. To just be happy in HIS presence and not rely on it with anyone else. He has blessed me in so many ways through this. I know it's not meant to be hard and pain and suffering are essential to knowing God's love and peace.

looooooover.

2010-04-02T19:52:00.001-07:00

I LOVE YOU, MB.

Small Update!

2009-12-18T21:11:00.000-08:00

On the 21st, it will be 3 weeks since my surgery. It kind of seems a lot longer than that. Things are going REALLY well. I had my follow-up Wednesday and am on the pill to stop my estrogen since that is what feeds Endometriosis. So I get protection AND relief! (JK but good on the relief part...but maybe I'm not kidding, who knows.)

I have been back to work pretty normally. I worked Sun, Tues, Thurs, Fri, Sat this week. I am tired but I like it. I feel useful and productive.

There has been a turn of events. Let's just say it's better to keep your heart open to forgiveness. I forgive too easily, I know..but it's because I love. My mind is racing again.

md.

PS: If you're reading this directly from my blog, I am aware my background is not working. I will figure out what to do later. :)

Stay with me tonight..

2009-12-11T16:12:00.000-08:00

Your Call
Secondhand Serenade

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call-I'm angry
call -I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your, what's your...)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

Wise men say only fools rush in...

2009-12-10T17:31:00.001-08:00

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love with you

Like a river flows so surely to the sea
Oh my darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
So won't you please take my hand, and take my whole life too
Cause I can't help falling in love, in love with you
Cause I can't help falling in love, falling in love, I keep falling in love with you

So much better!!!!

2009-12-07T13:59:00.000-08:00

Hi friends.

I am doing so much better than the last post. I am starting to feel a lot more like myself...no more pre-surgery abdominal pain, and very little post surgery pain (unless I press on them). Not much nausea either or shoulder pain BUT I have had it controlled by Motrin and the nausea by a prescription. I think I can start getting off them, though. The only thing is that I am still sleeping A LOT. If I go out and try to do something it wipes me out. I went to church yesterday and although my attention span was out the window, it was nice.

The only issue is I feel hungover all the time. eh.

I am attempting to do the History final on Friday. Is it safe to say this semester has been WEIRD?? The final is just a map test...I have the map..I can label and color in what I need to remember. I don't think that requires much brain power.

I feel like sleeping some more. Wow. Maybe it's good for me..maybe I am not lazy. Maybe it's my body telling me it's not ready for me to run a mile yet...Maybe.

My mom is bringing me dinner home tonight..Tuna Salad sandwich with chicken noodle. Life is good. :)

xoxoxo mollie

Rough Day.

2009-12-04T19:59:00.000-08:00

I have to say that today has probably been the roughest out of all. I have periods of nausea (mainly at night), headaches and a large amount of pain in my neck/shoulder/arm area. I am usually good with pain but this is almost unbearable. I've been told that it is gas from when they inflated my stomach during surgery that has gone upwards. I haven't slept and have no appetite. It gets to the point where I just just start crying on the floor. I wasn't expecting this side effect at all and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I have done an exercise that helps release this gas but it's pretty minimal.

I went out with my sister today to get out and I felt great just walking around but when I sat down, the pain came back even worse that I almost felt like passing out...sigh. Lortab doesn't seem to be helping much at all.

I am going to try to go out again tomorrow to a Christmas party with my work friends. I really miss them. I haven't been to work normally in over a month.

Off topic..I am tired of some people. I know people get busy and caught up in things but there's always time to say hello for just five minutes. I am not dealing with it anymore because it sucks. I am done trying.

mollie

What actually happened that day and what happens now.

2009-12-03T00:27:00.000-08:00

When I wrote what they found in my abdomen, I was pretty much in another world. I just re read that post and I left a few things out.

Before the surgery officially started, I kept asking them to please find something..anything. My worst nightmare would be to wake up and hear the news that nothing was found and then having to go through and recover from the surgery for no reason. When I woke up, the first question I asked was "did you guys find anything?" and when they told me yes, I cried like I had just given birth to a baby. They thought I was in pain..which I was but I was crying out of happiness and relief- Since I was so drugged, I also could not stop..lol. I can barely remember what happened when I woke up but I remember them taking my temp and for some reason it said 105. Then they took it again and it was 98. Who knows how that happened- I probably had one of my usual hot flashes. :)

Based on what was written down, I had small lesions all over my uterus and the biggest one was on the left side..where it hurt all along. They also found fluid which they drained. They sure did a lot with just those 2 incisions. My follow-up is in 2 weeks and I think from here I will be put on a hormone that stops my period entirely..I also hope this controls fluid build up, too.

I honestly don't know how people recover who have to get completely mutilated. As you can see from the picture, they were pretty small incisions..but hurt like heck nonetheless. It is only day 2 and I am feeling a lot better than I did after the first 24 hours. I couldn't even get up or walk. To a point I still can't but I am laying a lot more comfortable (have to lay on my side).

The Day After

2009-12-01T08:09:00.000-08:00

Wow..whoever said the day after is the worst..for sure!

My meds don't seem to be helping much..just making me sleepy. I had a tube down my throat too so it's a little difficult to talk, no matter how much I try to clear my throat lol.

Apparently Endometriosis is incurable..but not unmanageable. I don't know for sure what will happen next to keep it from forming again..I am assuming I will be put on some kind of birth control that will keep me from having a period entirely. AWESOME! not sarcasm either :)

Some good news: I have received "Incompletes" in all my classes and one even excused me from the final and submitted my grade as it was. So relieved.

I got some photos of my incisions. It looks like there were only 2 but I will know for sure when I take that band aid off.

I am REALLY bloated in this

Love you guys.

xo mollie

Prayers Answered.

2009-11-30T17:14:00.000-08:00

My biggest fear during the surgery was that I would wake up and be told nothing was found.

I woke up and got a completely different answer:

They found stage 1 Endometriosis in my left and right part of my abdomen. One of the assistants told me the one on my uterous is the biggest one they have ever seen. I started bawling. Not because I hurt..although I was..but because I now know what has caused this pain for so long. I cried for a good 30 minutes. My dad came and visited me a few times and it made me so happy. I cannot thank him enough for spending all this money to help me get better.

I am very easily irritated right now so I am going to stop and go to bed. Just thought I would update.

My mom wanted pictures for this "memorable" event..so here you go:

Don't know what I was doing in this lol

Thank you all for caring. I will write in a couple of days.

xo mollie

Starting to have dreams.

2009-11-27T21:08:00.000-08:00

I knew it would happen..starting to have dreams about my classes and not finishing them. Sounds dumb but it's been really hard soaking it in that I may have to redo the class I worked my butt off in. It's possible to go from a 95 to an F or hopefully an incomplete in a matter of weeks. Who knew?

I heard from my sweet friend, Sandee today. It's always a joy hearing from her because sometimes it can be a while..which is okay because I know she is sick- So it is always so SPECIAL to get messages from her..not..going..to..cry.

Ready for Monday. Ready for Monday. It's been so..uncomfortable these last few days. I am just so glad I have the support I do. The family and friends that I do. I know there are always going to be those people who just don't get it and use hurtful words to justify themselves. Being sick has helped me to really push those types of people out of my life- No matter how much I think I care about them. No one deserves to be hurt in that way, especially when it's because of something out of their control. This is out of my control.

I don't have many updates regarding me because I haven't had to go to any doctors appointments. Monday is the big day. Never thought I would see the day that I would actually be excited to be cut open. Cut me all you want, just make this stop.

mollie

I am having surgery Monday at 2:30.

2009-11-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

As expected, the ultrasound came back normal. I am going to try to stay as positive in this post despite my feelings otherwise throughout this whole thing.

However, if they don't find anything during the surgery I may just go a bit insane. It hurts to even sit and type this yet the issue has not been diagnosed. Please God above, PLEASE..let them find something Monday. I just want to get back to my normal life.

That's all I want.

I love you guys. Thanks for listening

md

Today. Today COULD be love. Yes, I will make it a love kind of day.

2009-11-24T08:58:00.000-08:00

Today I had a 7:30 appointment at "Women's Health"-since they think it's problem involving my ovary/reproductive system (that's what they think now)..and I got to experience what it was like to be an "adult". That's all I am saying involving THAT.

I was hoping for an ultrasound today but the earliest is tomorrow. She thinks that I may have Endometriosis ('Endometriosis is a condition where tissue similar to the lining of the uterus (the endometrial stroma and glands, which should only be located inside the uterus) is found elsewhere in the body.') Basically, if that is outside of the uterus, it's not supposed to be. If they see no cysts on the ultra sound they will perform a laparoscopy in which I will be put under and they will go through my belly button with an instrument to see inside my pelvis. At this point, I PRAY they find something. I don't know what it is at this point that has caused me so much crap in my life in the last 3 weeks.

I know people go through worse things-way worse things. I have felt God's love so much through this and I know as long as He is there, nothing else matters. I know I will be okay eventually...it is just always hard to see that side when you're still right in the middle of it. I am TRYING to remain positive but as the days go by and I feel like nothing is progressing, I just feel kind of helpless. I regain these thoughts but lose them as soon as I get bad news or just no news. I need to keep my mind on Him. I can do all things through Him. I just need to keep remembering that.

md.

There's no need to say a thing when I'm before you.
In this silence I feel refreshed with peace.
Break this noise that binds the voice that tries to speak.
Open my eyes to see Your gracious, sovereign reach.
[CHORUS]
It is hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it's the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You've washed my tears.

The seasons of change I've faced have never left me wounded.
Only scars of hurt, but never deeply rooted.
This healing I have felt, no burden can replace.
Redemptive hope has been the story of my pain.

[CHORUS]
It's hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it's the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You've washed my tears.

All is lost without the breath of life You give, and You give so much.
I want nothing more than You, so here's my heart

[CHORUS]
It's hard to talk when I feel that You are near,
When all is quiet it's the beauty that I hear.
This hidden place where I know that You've calmed my fears.
I know that You've washed my tears.

It's not always happy endings but its happy in between...

2009-11-22T18:39:00.000-08:00

You keep tryin to get inside my head,
While I keep trying to lose the words you said
Can't you see I'm hangin by a thread,
To my life what I know, yeah I'm losing control and

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju--st isn't safe
(you're not safe, mmm-mm)

I'm strong enough, I've always told myself
I never want to need somebody else
But I've already fallen from that hill,
So I'm droppin that guard here's your chance at my heart and

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
I'm so tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't

Everything you want, but it's everything you need
It's not always happy endings but it's hap-py in between
It's taken so long, so long to finally see
The other isn't worth the risk

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, its more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love ju-st isn't safe

Oh no, my walls are gonna break
So close, it's more than I can take
So tired of turning and running away
When love just isn't safe

You're not safe
And that's okay

Here we go again: Another cycle of predictions.

2009-11-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

The last couple of days I was doing GREAT. No fatigue, headaches or much pain in my abdomen-thought I was back to normal despite the unpainful tightness in my stomach. However, I was barely active. Work today triggered it...10 times worse. I was determined to suck it up because I needed to get back. But once I sat down, the pain escalated to the point where I just started bawling. I got sent home and here I am with the prediction by my parents (dad is a doctor) that I may have a cyst on my ovary. It's a good guess because issues with this run in the family.

I don't get it. I don't get that after everything, the doctors never saw this as a potential reason for this pain. I am wondering if I had a cyst that it would have shown up on the results?

People tell me to rest this weekend. I can't. I have 2 exams Monday over the crap I missed from already being sick and yesterday was my first day back. There's no way I can catch up on this. My semester is completely out of wack now and I worked hard for the A I would have had in History. I think now I just need to accept the fact my grades won't be what they are expected to be..my dad understands that.

Yeah "more bad news"...but this could be a big break in all of this. Although it doesn't explain the nodes around my intestine that indicated a virus. Are 2 things happening at once that are totally separate from each other? They say bad things come in threes.

md.

Wordless....Friday

2009-11-19T23:39:00.000-08:00

I have been catching up with my photography assignment that I have been behind on since I was sick. I have one more picture to take and it's 1:32 am. Bah. I got this though and I love photography THAT much.

The theme is Take objects and put them where they don't belong.

Click the pictures to see original:

Shoes in an oven.

6 years today. I miss you, Andrea. You are my sunshine and thanks for having an amazing sister.

xo md.

Wordless Wednesday- Fantasy and Surrealism Photography Assignment.

2009-11-18T18:17:00.000-08:00

Updates, Friends, and Catheters.

2009-11-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

Before I start, to the person who text me and said I was the bearer of bad news, screw you. Your pointless words could MAYBE have been justified if I was telling you something stupid like "boys are always douche bags" (extra emphasis on "boy") Am I being mean? Sorry, I am not going to let this NOT affect me anymore. I can't help what has been going on with me and what you said last night has allowed me to see you in the light that you really are as a person.

I had my follow-up today. Basically nothing new except that I see the Urologist tomorrow and an Endocrinologist in the near future. They think the infection around my colon and the air in my bladder is due to the past urinary tract infections I have been having (I have had about 6 this year and last) and so I really don't know what to expect. I am afraid they are going to put in a catheter at some point though...(positive thinking..............). The Endocrinologist will see if the lesions found in my thyroid are anything to be worried about. My dad doesn't think so because they are very small and it would be difficult to biopsy anyways. I am not too worried about those.

I am feeling better pain wise but still have a lot of fatigue when I become active. I plan to return to school Friday and work on Saturday. I am ready to get back to normal.

I have decided that I am going to take a step back. If you want updates, tell me..if not, I won't ever say a word. Friends don't really seem to give a damn unless you're dead or near death and suddenly they "were your best friend" I am not asking for sympathy...but I can't seem to ask for prayers either. I can't seem to have certain friends there for me. I am sorry to those I have been bugging and appreciate those who have been here since the beginning. The conversation I had last night with someone really hurt me and I just don't know what to think about certain people anymore. I said this on Twitter and I will say it again on here..but in a more G rated version. When I decide to push people out, I need to keep them out.

-- These things I wish for you - tough times and hard
work, disappointment and happiness. To me, it's the
only way to appreciate life.

md

Who knows.

2009-11-15T21:31:00.000-08:00

So the CT showed nothing abnormal with my gallbladder and appendix but they found air in my bladder and lymph nodes around my intestine which indicates something viral..no one knows how air got into my bladder. I have an ultrasound in the afternoon tomorrow as well as a follow up on Tuesday. What are my thoughts? I don't really know at this point. The pain has subsided some due to the medication I am on but the pressure is still there as well as the nausea at night.

I have a prep test in the afternoon tomorrow in History but I don't know if I can even concentrate enough to absorb the material on the power points that I have been missing. I am so out of it.

Thanks again for all the love. I am ready for this to be over. I have a feeling I won't ever feel "caught up" until the end of the semester.

xo md

Sandee

2009-11-12T22:19:00.000-08:00

I am looking at my search engine referrers and I can see that there is somebody searching for info on Sandee and whoever it is, I want to tell you she IS still alive and fighting. She has been on oxygen for awhile now and is weak, but her sweet self is still here. Hope this helped someone out there who is worried.

Mollie

PS: Please comment if you are reading this and it was you. I would be happy to keep you updated. We also have a Facebook group that is dedicated to her that periodically has updates as well.

Blood Tests, Ultrasounds, and CT Scans.

2009-11-12T16:55:00.000-08:00

I get to experience my first CT scan/ultrasound this Saturday morning.

It is day 10 and nothing is better. I have been suddenly waking up in the middle of the night with throbbing headaches, nausea and abdominal pain (other than the pain I already have during te day). This is really upsetting because my school grades are going to go down the sh***er (no other word to give it justice, really) and I can't go to work until I can actually function without crying and being in agony. I pray they find something on the scan so they can remove it and I can start feeling better. It's hard to drive because I have to keep re positing myself to keep pressure off the left side of my stomach.

I had some blood tests and after having issues finding my vein, they got what they needed. I tested negative for mono so that is ruled out.

It's hard not to cry when some things are out of your control.

I've got this, though. One day at a time.

Thanks to everyone who has been texting. I have been getting drowsy like it's no ones business and if I don't text back, I am probably asleep and will when I wake up.

md.

Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long... Cause I'm halfway gone

2009-11-09T21:44:00.000-08:00

Wohoww wohoww
Halfway gone
I'm halfway gone

You were always hard to hold
So letting go aint easy
I'm hanging on but growing cold
While my mind is leaving

Talk, talk is cheap
Give me your word you can keep
Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way
And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Halfway gone
I'm halfway gone

You got one foot out the door
And choking on the other
Always think there's something more
It's just around the corner

Talk, talk is cheap
Give me your word you can keep
You can keep
Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on my way
And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone

If you want me out, then I'm on my way
And I'm feelin, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Now I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone

Don't take too long, don't take too long
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm on my way
If you take too long
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm halfway gone and I'm on way
And I'm feeling, feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone

If you want me out, then I'm on my way
And I'm feelin , feelin feelin this way
Cause you're halfway in, but don't take too long
Cause I'm halfway gone, I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm halfway gone, yeah I'm halfway gone
Wohoww wohoww
Cause I'm halfway gone, yeah I'm halfway gone

Diagnosis Unknown.

2009-11-06T14:39:00.000-08:00

Wrote this during History because my head was pounding and I just could not concentrate. Something is going on with me. It hit me all of a sudden Monday afternoon and I have nausea, headaches and bad abdominal pain. Not the stomach ache kind of pain but more shooting like pain or gnawing pain. I have since lost my appetite and it hurts my stomach to eat something. The pain has been alternating back and fourth between my head and stomach. There has been no fever or puking, though.

I went to Urgent Care Wednesday evening and without any kind of actual testing, they thought I had a stomach ulcer..which was what a few other people thought as well. My dad is a doctor as well and didn't seem convinced that it truly is an ulcer. I talked to him tonight and he thinks it is the flu or some sort (not H1N1..too functional for that). My whole body aches as of today, I am always tired, can't eat without pain and don't even want to eat (although my mom is getting Chinese food so I will MAKE myself hungry because that is delicious) and I am stuck without a TRUE diagnosis until Monday morning.

Now here's to the next couple days of sleeping and Gatorade. *cheers*

Feeling like this is the worst. Worst week ever. Thankful to be alive but it has been hard. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

md.

Random Journal Thoughts.

2009-11-03T22:03:00.000-08:00

I am one of the most emotionally connected people- I would be lying if I said I wasn't 100% emotion. This seems to be both a good and bad thing. It is easy for my mind to wander despite how "busy" I make myself. The past, present and future always surround me. I think it is because so much of the past is a part of who I am now and the future holds on who I hope I can become. Most of my dreams reflect my feelings. I love, I regret, I hope for the impossible (way too much), I cry, I curse, I regret regret regret. I regret how I have treated a certain guy and left him to always be alone, I regret hurt relationships (one is wonderfully on the mend...thankful for that), I regret my emotionality, I regret overreacting to certain friendships.

However, as I get older, seeing that old broken reflection of me helps to put those pieces together now. I so believe that every experience forms you. Whether you believe it or not, every friend in your life has changed you mentally in some way.

Music is not so much my "getaway" despite my love for it 24/7- Music with certain memories attached reveal certain emotions- they make you become raw all over again. At the same time, I don't ever want to forget these memories that are so painful...no matter how sad they make me. It brings me back to a time that allows me to feel.

Music is my 'get back'.

md.

Everybody Falls Sometimes

2009-10-23T18:53:00.001-07:00

I will be back soon! =)

md

Why the Boobie-Thon?

2009-10-03T20:25:00.001-07:00

I am posting like a crazy woman this year for the Boobie-thon...But maybe you wonder why so I am so into it. Oh, I have a reason =) or two. or a million.

It started out when I was just 13 years old..doing what 13 year olds do-surf the web. It was probably back in July 2002. I do not remember what I was doing to find this person but thank God I did. I click a link that led me to this site called "I Will Survive" by an amazing woman named Sandee. She has been fighting Breast Cancer since 1998 and to this day is still fiercely kicking its ass. My first thought was "She is so pretty!" and I noticed what she was fighting. It reminded me of my 5th grade teacher who was also battling this. I messaged Sandee on yahoo and amazingly can say, 7 years later, we still keep in touch. My inspiration...my angel..a real hero.
But..there's more.

There was another amazing woman, Andrea, who religiously commented on Sandee's posts- Always offering some kind of encouragement or putting a smile on your face in a way only she could. You would never know she herself was battling this because she always make sure YOU were okay. I sent her an email telling her I was keeping her in my thoughts and prayers as well. She was diagnosed with Breast Cancer at 26 years old Yes..26. Makes me wonder about myself...I am almost 21 and don't really think about that stuff happening to me. It can. She was misdiagnosed-This I am assuming is because she was so young and the doctors weren't convinced but her scan confirmed it. She was 29 when I met her. She sent me so many sweet things, cards, and phone calls. I have a Breast Cancer Bear from 2002 that I still keep with me.

These last words are still and will always be hard to write.

Andrea passed away when I was 15 years old, November 20th, 2003. Wow almost 6 years ago! (Now crying as I write this..I know it's okay to let it out.) Honestly, her physical death was the worst emotional pain I had ever felt. Being a teenager at the time, I didn't know how to handle it since she was the first major death in my life. I still wonder to this day how I got through it. This was the turning point of how I want to live the rest of my life:

Cancer Awareness, encouragement, Love, Hope, Faith.

My friends, this is why the Boobie-thon means more than you know.

If you have been affected by Breast Cancer in some way, please consider a small donation to the Susan G. Komen Foundation.

Boobiethon 2009!

2009-10-01T02:52:00.000-07:00

Starting October 1st, 2009, everyone will come together with one common purpose- Breast Cancer. It has affected all of us one way or another. For one week, we proudly empty our pockets, share each of our stories, bare our chests (men, too!), and show our support for those fighting, remembering those who died, and never losing the HOPE that one day, a cure will be found.

"2009 marks the Eighth Annual Blogger Boobie-Thon. Bloggers from all over the globe send in photos of their boobies (covered and uncovered) to help raise money for Breast Cancer Research. "

-via boobiethon.com

2009-05-19T03:36:00.000-07:00

I have peace.

Hebrews 13:5,6

Who knows.

2009-05-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

So I found out a certain someone reads this blog. Which is kind of interesting but I don't know what I think of it. This explains the constant "mollie duvall" searches on Google..and I can tell by the location as well.

School ended up amazing. I ended up with all B's and a 3.2 GPA. YAY!

Life has been interesting to say the least. My heart has been so out of control but I know everything will be okay. It has to be okay. I have to be okay. It seems like every time we talk it makes it better. He is probably 1 of a few guys I would ever give my time to. I respect him and what is going on. That's all I am saying =) But he sure does make me laugh... and cry.

Okay well I am going to bed. bye everyone.

m.d.

I feel.

2009-05-06T18:35:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have no direction or control of my life right now.

Semester is over and I am everything but relieved. My grades are 1 to 2 points away from the next letter grade and I pray my finals bump them up.

Please, God.

This is my situation right now

2009-04-28T19:10:00.001-07:00

Via http://www.lovehealth.org/books/letgo.htm

"LET GO! - LET GOD! is a basic tenet of the ancient health and relaxation art of Yoga. Letting go is the ultimate answer to distress, when all else fails. Resisting and rejecting our present experience sometimes just keeps us locked in struggle against it - wasting valuable energy that could go into creative transformation into new patterns and new perceptions. There is a wise saying which goes "What we resist, persists".

Letting go is the ultimate protection against "Burnout"!

Letting go and accepting what is happening does not have to mean "quitting" or "giving up". It means allowing a "space" to occur - a space which can become a crucible of creativity. Letting go opens the door to working in harmony with what is inevitable, rather than using our energy to fight against what is inevitable. As we let go of our wilful need to change the world, we come into our power to transform ourselves, or at least to try a different approach or attitude.

If you believe in a God or other divine mechanism at work in the world and in your life experiences, then the letting go principle is much easier to accept. If you are non-religious, then just try it on the basis that "I have tried everything else and I am still stuck" - many people have found it helpful.

Like all human behaviour, "Letting go" has to be kept in balance. If we take it too literally or do it too often (I call this "spiritual dependency") we may be asking for trouble - surely we are required to take some responsibility for our own life! In The Bible, the prophet Jesus was tempted by the devil to throw himself from a high place and trust that God would rescue him - Jesus wisely refused to abuse the divine power of caring and compassion in this selfish and lazy way.

Why stay stuck? - Why stay locked in struggle, suffering or obsession? Liberate your heart, mind and soul today... "

Speaking of not letting go, God is just not letting go of a situation, even though I was ready a long time ago...so I thought. He continues to show what love is, how love works and to ALWAYS love. This is so hard because my emotions feel so much other wise..my anger is so much otherwise.

But God is not angry.
He is a fully merciful loving God.

I turn my back on him all the time. Yet when I turn back, He is there with open arms..no questions asked.

I feel maybe this is how I should be. I want to love like my God. I know I have made mistakes, said some hurtful things to people. Why do I deserve to be embraced by the God who hears me reject him when I myself can't do it in relationships? I know there is a point when you HAVE to turn away but if there is something in your heart you know God has put there, you just cannot ignore it.

Even if it ends up being one step forward and 10 steps backwards, there is always something new I learn from going through it. Always.

Winds Of Change - Kutless

Can you feel the pains in life?
Wrapped around you like they're chains
Restricting all your dreams
Do you wonder if there is a way?

A way to set you free
Set you free

So tell me all your dreams
Tell me all your fears and what you're longing for the most
It's not another way that'll end up the same for it's under my control

Do you feel the winds of change
Soon this weight will fall away
And take you to a place
Only found through these winds of change

A breeze that's new and free
New and free

I'll be the one who you can cry to
The one who will give you wings
I will give wings

Someday we'll sail away
Mounted up on wings like eagles
We will run and will not fade away

2009-04-28T02:17:00.000-07:00

To the person who is getting here by google-ing my name..I know who you are...and I am listening. And I did hear you a few nights ago.

That's all.

Sad.....

2009-04-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

This has been a pretty crappy week. But I did get an 88 on my math test so that is good.

I hate feeling looked down upon. I hate when people use other people to get information about me.

I hate feeling like I am stupid...esp in school. Today we got exams back and I studied my butt off..all night.. A girl next to me never studies and only looks at things briefly and she got over a 100%. How is this even possible? For someone who STUDIES..and get's a way lower grade..it just isn't right.

everything doesn't feel right ....

Re-doing

2009-04-21T15:53:00.001-07:00

Got sick of my last template. Am re doing this layout etc. Decided to use blogger through my domain instead of wordpress! Stay tuned!!!

xo

I Can't Do It.

2009-04-01T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am so tired.

Spiritually, emotionally, physically.
The person I like just doesn't get it.
I hate when a song comes on that reminds me of Andrea.
I wish my dreams could be reality sometimes.
I wish I could take chance, get over my fears, and do a certain thing I have not done before. I cry about it yet I can't seem to take the first step to do it.

Fuck Cancer
Fuck Cancer
Fuck Cancer.
x how many hours it has kept me up crying at night.
I know I cuss.. sorry. But I am not, really. There is not another word to justify its tremendous loss it brings to family, friends, husbands, sisters, wives, and children.

I miss you, angel face.

my throat hurts from trying to keep it in.
I don't know why it has been so rough this week.

I Believe - Diamond Rio

This is your life..are you who you want to be?

2009-03-29T17:26:00.000-07:00

Lyrics will probably be a huge part of this blog. Music sets me apart from reality..not hiding from it..but getting away for a short while. Music is like a separate world. I don't know what I would do without music, honestly.

This is Your Life- Switchfoot

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you've broken
Don't close your eyes, don't close your eyes,
This is your life.
And today is all you've got now.
And today is all you'll ever have.
Don't close your eyes.

(chorus)
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, is it everything that you dreamed
That it would be when the world was younger,
And you had everything to lose?

Yesterday is a kid in the corner
Yesterday is dead and over.

(chorus)

This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?

This Is Your Life - Switchfoot

"When the dust of this world clears and I look back on my life and see in perfect light.."

2009-03-28T01:29:00.000-07:00

This song always comes to mind when someone says how nice I am for whatever reason. It is by Ronnie Freeman.

I heard someone say the other day
They'd seen in me true love displayed
Blessed by something I had done for them
No sooner had they said these words
I found myself somehow disturbed
Uneasy as I took their compliment
Cause I know the heart inside this man
I know the truth of who I am...

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

If you could walk the hallways of my heart
And see things as they really are
I wonder if you might be surprised
Seeing faded walls of pride and fear
Rooms I've filled with faithless tears
And corners where I've stood in compromise
But you'd see the work
His grace has done
You'd know just how far I've come

In a thousand years
When the dust of this world clears
And I look back on my life
And see in perfect light

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus
I know me well enough to know
No matter what this life may show
The only thing that's good in me is Jesus

I could not find this song on Imeem but here is another by him..his singing is so captivating.

Fight - Ronnie Freeman

"In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you"-by Deepak Chopra

2009-03-25T04:35:00.000-07:00

I hope that with this post I can look back in a few years and laugh at myself because I will then be successful in what I have chosen to do.

But as of right now..I am scared, and lost. My dad keeps asking me what I want to do with my life. I don't know. My plan was never to go graduate school but if I do choose psychology, I will have to. I am also being pushed into photography..I absolutely LOVE photography..but will I be successful with such competition? I look at people's photos over at Flickr and it makes my work mediocre. But I also realize that it all photography looked the same, there wouldn't be anything worth looking at. I want people to look at something I have done and immediately know who took it.

I never thought in my life I would say this but I miss being that emotional 14 year old girl. Remember? The 14 year old girl that complained how hard and unfair life was. At that time, my life just went on...I didn't have to make any decisions and no one asked me on a daily basis what I wanted to do- It wasn't expected of me. I stayed up all night, slept all day...went to school and got what was required done. That was it. Sounds boring but not when I am now needing to now make a decision that will ultimately affect the rest of my life. Especially with the stress that will come with trying to reach that goal.

I hope I can make the right decision.

This Is How Music Moves Me

2009-03-24T01:55:00.000-07:00

Music that moves your soul gives you the image of how you love...

that image of standing on the beach while the sun sets, breeze blowing through your hair, feet in the sand...with the people you love..pure tranquility. So connected to what's important..longing to keep the moment you feel while listening to that song forever...

Or standing in the rain- Hair soaked, tears rolling down your face. The past and present engulf your soul and you love it...but hate it at the same time. You want to always feel a certain moment that at one time you could not bear. You then start crying because the exact same emotions you felt years ago come rushing back...it's okay to cry, though..Tomorrow is a new day, and you are okay.

Unfortunately, it does go away. As you keep listening to the song, that image does, too.

This has been the best way I can ever describe what goes on in my mind when a song that triggers these emotions in my head. It's like living a dream...a dream so wonderful..a dream that will one day become real..whether in this life or in Heaven.

This might not make sense...but you know when you hear a song and it makes your heart hurt and feel heavy..but you still listen because you want to remember..you want to feel. And you FEEL.

I am going to buy back memories to awaken some old qualities.

2009-03-23T16:32:00.000-07:00

run - collective soul

Has anyone heard this song? I am sure many have considering this band was popular back in the 90's. Lately, I seem to be getting obsessed with bands that are getting pretty old. Could be the fact I never really listened to them as a child or that it's another attempt to hold onto what is left of my childhood.

Ever listen to a song that makes your heart almost feel heavy?? I can't even explain how it makes me feel but music is so beautiful.

Run

"Collective Soul"

Are these times contagious
I've never been this bored before
Is this the prize I've waited for
Now as the hours passing
There's nothing left here to mature
I long to find a messenger

Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Yeah, I run [x2]

Is there a cure among us
From this processed sanity
I weaken with each voice that sings
In this world of purchase
I'm going to buy back memories
To awaken some old qualities

Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Yeah, I run [x2]
Have I got a long way to run [x2]
Yeah, I run [x4]
[background:]
Have I got a long way to run [x4]

A Form of Beautiful Expression

2009-03-21T17:12:00.000-07:00

My Life Has Been One Big Contradiction

2009-03-20T21:17:00.000-07:00

End of story...really.

I am currently stuck in 2 directions that are completely opposite of each other. One in which I know God does not approve of..and honestly, have I cared? Seems I haven't.

Then when I turn the radio on, his voice is loud and clear. I so much want what he so patiently wants for me but it comes to a point that when you know you haven't been honest and pure with him, it seems selfish to reach back out when you know you will end up doing what you were originally doing.. again and again and again.

I keep being told it is not about how we feel but who He is...but I think it is human nature to FEEL. Feeling is partly what helps us with decisions. I feel like He is angry with me. He is always in my thoughts during my actions and I don't choose Him after the decision has been made.

Conviction overwhelms me. It only takes 2 seconds to say something I know He would not approve of. and Eternity to get back to where I hope to be.Where I used to be.

I miss the burst of energy I would get when I would learn about Him. I couldn't live without diving into who He was everyday. It was like a way to spiritually survive. I have since then dug a whole..lit it on fire, and jumped in.

Album: My Paper Heart
Artist: Francesca Battistelli

Don’t know how it is You looked at me
And saw the person that I could be
Awakening my heart
Breaking through the dark
Suddenly Your grace

(Chorus)
Like sunlight burning at midnight
Making my life something so
Beautiful, beautiful
Mercy reaching to save me
All that I need
You are so
Beautiful, beautiful

Now there’s a joy inside I can’t contain
But even perfect days can end in rain
And though it’s pouring down
I see You through the clouds
Shining on my face

(Chorus)

I have come undone
But I have just begun
Changing by Your grace

(Chorus)

Ripped Cornea and Peek Email Device!

2009-03-19T00:08:00.000-07:00

This is the new device I will be getting in the mail soon. It is called a Peek. It let's you send unlimited text messages and emails for 20$/mo. Although my other phone already does this, I want to help my mom on the phone bill so when I get this I will be taking the data plan off my cell. Plus, it is super cute. A friend I know has the hook up with the company and hopefully I can get a discount on the monthly price. If not, that is okay.

Today has been really rough. I got something in my eye this afternoon that has ended up scraping my cornea. I was crying it hurt so bad which was not beneficial on the pain. Whatever was in my eye is out and I am dealing with a lot of redness and soreness. Hopefully the eye drops I bought will help. Not cool.

Spring Break seems to be going pretty fast. Although I didn't go on any kind of vacation, I know the summer will make up for that. :)

You wanna know what living life to the fullest actually is? It's waking up on a Monday morning with no complaints. It's knowing you always deserve to laugh. It's doing what feels right no matter what. It's doing what you want to, no matter how stupid you look. It's about being yourself, cause no one can tell you you're doing it wrong.

Grief- A Pure Expression of Love

2009-03-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

For now, I am going to post some recent notes I made on Facebook:

----

Grief is neither a disorder nor a healing process: it is a sign of health itself, a whole and natural gesture of love. Nor must we see grief as a step towards something better. No matter how much it hurts--and it may be the greatest pain in life--grief can be an end in itself, a pure expression of love--Gerald May, M.D.

Each week in my Psychology of Grief class, I am SO much more amazed. Amazed how different grief is for everyone.

This will always stick with me

"Everyone who experiences love or who forms an attachment to another runs the risk of losing the loved person or object and suffering the consequences of loss. If so, then "to grieve is to pay ransom to love".

Everyone will experience some kind of grief when the attachment with someone ends. It is a natural, unstoppable experience. Each person's grief is unique and therefore, we can't fully give a "definition" of it. Nor can we judge others of it. Time and emotion are tied with personal experiences that result in how we grieve and cope with a loss.

Christmas Break

2008-12-13T02:32:00.001-08:00

Hey :)

School is out until Jan 12..maybe I will update this!! :)

"Boobie-Thon Raises $9,300.00

2008-10-07T21:48:00.000-07:00

I don’t even know what to say. We have raised $9,300.00 in 7 days, which far exceeds what we raised last year and it also breaks our record set back in 2006. *blink* *blink*

I am in shock. So so happy and overwhelmed and emotional. This week has been a whirlwind and I prayed we would do well. And we did great!
-Boobiethon.com

This is one of the most amazing events I have ever been a part of. It's an honor and I am in such awe by the generosity of not only to Breast Cancer Awareness but in helping others in need as well. Over 1000$ was raised for Kat after having major neck surgery. So wonderful. Thanks Melissa for staying up late and giving us updates 24/7, and the volunteers who spent their time editing photos and recording donations!

If you did not get a chance to participate this year, the 2009 Boobie-thon starts next October 1st! Will definitely see you there!!!!!!!

On a different and interesting note, I locked myself out of my house tonight and couldn't get any of my homework that's due tomorrow, medication, and my cats have to starve :( Tonight has been stressful.

I am getting ready to begin a 10-12 page paper on the media and its impact on young people regarding eating disorders. I have an idea on what I am going to write about but I am afraid it won't make 10 pages. This has been really making me nervous.

Goodnight!

This week and Boobiethon

2008-10-02T19:24:00.000-07:00

I got a funny twitter today of someone asking me why I was talking a lot about "Boobies". It's BOOBIETHON! In honor of Breast Cancer month, people send in creative images of their "racks" that could include breastfeeding, paint, or even just a t-shirt. It represents the beauty of it all. So if you're 18 and older to go http://Boobiethon.com and submit a photo or if you want, you can donate instead!! They have raised almost 3000$ in 2 days going towards the Susan Komen foundation as well as helping out another blogger.

This week has been a lot better..I got an A on my Humanities test and am so happy about that.

Through it all, just STAND UP.

Just Stand Up - Mariah Carey, Beyonce, Mary J. Blige, Rihanna, Fergie, Sheryl Crow, Miley Cyrus, Melissa Etheridge, Ashanti, Natasha Bedingfield, Keyshia Cole, Ciara, Leona Lewis, Leann Rimes, & Carrie Underwood

Crazy Stuff.

2008-09-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

This week has been really interesting. I found out today that one of my teachers was arrested for child *** abuse. I never really saw it coming..his class was difficult for me but now that we have a new professor, I am understanding so much better. The class found out we were learning chapters that were not on the syllabus, which explains my difficulty. Not that I am GLAD this happened...it is really shocking and disappointing, and I feel awful for the child.

On a brighter NOTE:

BOOBIETHON AND BREAST CANCER MONTH STARTS TOMORROW! Submit your photos! It's an amazing cause and if you would rather donate, there will be a donate button on there tomorrow. GO GO GO!!!

EDIT: I just found out my best friend's mom may have breast cancer. If you pray, please say a prayer for her. Thank you.

Song of the Day:

Right Here - Jeremy Camp

This song makes my heart hurt in a good way when I hear this in that it was the song during my freshman year of high school that gave me hope when I was considering suicide. You know the feeling I am talking about; when you hear something that triggers such a strong memory and you have this weird feeling of energy in the middle of your stomach, almost like butterflies...He is right here.

Give Me Your Eyes - Brandon Heath

This second one is one of my absolute favorites. I know I will always fail at being like Jesus (So far from it right now) but I think this song helps in shifting my mindset of humanity; to really try to see the way He would.

xo.

mollie

Pink and LOVE.

2008-09-27T19:04:00.001-07:00

Picture of the DAY:

^^ Click!

My sister used her good talent and combined just a peek of the quality time my niece and I share.

I just found it really unfortunate when you delete your Google account and everything you used it for..such as blogger, there is no way to log back in. Sucks :(

I decided to get another blog mainly so I could go Pink for October! Breast Cancer month is my favorite and I absolutely love do do anything I can! I am so stoked to be able to do the Boobie-thon this month! Every October, people send in pictures of their "boobies" to express their support for Breast Cancer. They have raised about 40,000 dollars to date, and the founder is amazingly from where I live, Oklahoma! Love you, Robyn!

My birthday is the 14th as well, and I can't believe how old I am getting. Age is such a fun thing to talk about.

Honestly, even though no one really knew this, it was difficult being a teenage blogger. Especially when people told me I was older cognitive wise, but that didn't really seem to matter because of my real "age". I was put into such a classification of today's "teenagers". I hated it so much but I did meet many blessings along the way and I don't think I would change much about it, as contradicting as that sounds. :)

I started my 2nd semester of college this August, and it has been so much more stressful than last semester. I have had some brief crying fits, mainly due to the fact my grades aren't what I was hoping for. It is not a matter of not studying, I have so much motivation to do well, it's just the gift of test taking that I was NOT given.

BUT!

Those of steadfast mind you keep in peace—because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for in the Lord God you have an everlasting rock. (Isaiah 26: 3-4)

Could this have happened more perfectly?

2008-09-26T21:19:00.001-07:00

I love how God shows me things. I am reading a book called "Come Closer" by Jane Rubietta. I just finished having a conversation with someone about trust in relationships and I sign off facebook and open the book and it was on the chapter of "Come for healing" It starts immediately by saying this:

"It felt like a body cast for the soul. Frozen, unable to reach forward or reach out, my heart immobilized by years of not trusting, not feeling, not talking. I could not even muster the strength to retrain myself to love, to forgive, to even care."

It then goes into the chapter a bit and I came along this that made my heart feel weird:

"Somehow the world imprinted on my frontal lobes the messages that life isn't safe and neither are relationships. Keeping my mouth quiet substituted for safety, though my moodiness damaged others. Eventually the anger burst through any self-imposed gag order, burning myself and others on blast off.

BUT our brains can be retrained. We do not have a God who is powerless over our concerns. Our God raised Jesus from the dead. Surely He can do the same for us in our various stages of unhealing and paralysis."

"I dammed the tears pressing against my eyes as I looked around the table, heard the stories, and tasted honesty. "I'm not okay. I'm really pretty messed up. But that's okay because you are too. And we're together in this."

♥

2008-09-26T20:44:00.001-07:00
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